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Friday, October 24th, 2008
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12:00 am
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I have become terrified about my future and my current direction in life. I have also gone into a state of panic over my past. My whole mindset is total chaos right now. I want to learn things and be smart, but I feel like I squandered my youth doing what was easy for me instead of taking challenges that I found interesting. i.e., instead of using my high school years to obsessively study various sciences like I would have had I attended an actual high school, I spent most of my time acting musicing and drawing, all things that come naturally to me, but not things that I want to commit to doing for the rest of my life. What I am now sure of is that for the rest of my life, I want to do science. I want to discover important things and create new useful technology. I want to progress in my knowledge of the universe and how the world works, not just in a philisophical sense, but in a physical, logical, mathmatical and scientifical sense.
But I fear for my future. I fear because I have put off studying the major sciences of Physics and Chemistry my entire life. Not only that, but also advanced math, which would be perfectly capable of doing had I actually seriously studied algebra and geometry when I was young. But alas, I made excuses and tried to focus on what was easy for me. I blame myself, but I also partially blame my mother. I love her to pieces, but looking back, I wish she had been more strict. I managed to weasel my way out of too much math. Had she laid down the law and said stuff like "If you don't turn in five pages of work this week you can't go to the party on Saturday" I would have been unhappy in the short term, but by now I would be thanking her. I also remember one occasion on which I might have been able to turn myself around, but I lost the opportunity due to her procrastination. Two years ago, when I was signing up for Community college classes, I had three picked out. Russian, Psych, and Algebra. I informed my mother that this needed our combined attention to complete, and by the time she took notice, every algebra class that was available to me was full. So I tried to take the other basic class. English. Sadly, due to the terrible nature of southwest Illinois, every English teacher at SWIC is terrible. I fact I wasn't aware of until my first class, when it became swiftly apparent. So I had to drop that shit.
But the biggest grate on my nerves is the SAT. Having received a 1700 isn't too bad, it's the 560 in math that pretty much kills my chances at MIT. That would be fine if I wasn't taking the SAT subject test on Physics in a week. A subject I know almost nothing about and a test which I will almost certainly fail at miserably. I've been trudging through physics books for months, but it makes so little sense without someone explaining it. If I had only taken Bio it might not have been so bad. I know about biology, it's just that I'm not so interested in it anymore. This is also wonderful when we remember the fact that for most of my previous life I wanted to be a biologist and learned about animal systems and all that crazy shit. Too bad I completely changed my mind.
It's getting close to making me wish I had gone to highschool. At first I think stuff like "It wouldn't have been too bad, I would have gotten to do shit like smoke weed and drink all the time." then I remember that I was a total dork with long hair during my highschool years and I would have turned out as a complete emo, instead of the angry loner hick that I am today. I'm really quite happy with being an angry loner hick, aside from the fact that I also feel like a moron.
I just want to know things. It sounds simple enough. Then there are a bunch of rules. You have to take some dumb test and you'd damn well better be good at it. Especially if you didn't want to waste your entire youth doing the four-year introductory course where you learn how to get into college.
So I've pretty much accepted the fact that MIT is more than likely not going to happen for me, and I need to find some other dumb place. But I hate looking at colleges online. MIT is the only one who's website doesn't make them look like a bunch of pricks. Everywhere else looks the same on the internet. It's stuffy, and bland, and doesn't have the info I want. College search engines are no better. They never match me with the kind of place I want, they rarely give me more than six matches and they're never where I want to go. When I try to find places with the science focus I want in the urban areas that I want, I usually come up with zero matches even with the most minimal search requirements. I know this is bullshit because I know about places that meet the requirements that are in the places I want to go, and they don't show up in the searches, so it must be the goddamn search itself trying to screw me over.
My only solace lately has been in movies. I recently rented Rocky Horror, Ghost World, Iron Man, Jersey Girl, and Clerks. They were all excelent. Jersey girl was the worst of the five, mostly because of Ben fucking Affleck. Kevin smith is a great guy and I love his movies and Jersey girl had its moments, but Ben Affleck is just suck a fucking douchebag. I can't stand his stupid face and his dumb hair and his lame voice or really anything about him. But George Carlin was in it, and Liv Tyler was almost naked so it was pretty good. But the one that really got me was Clerks. I've seen it before, and it's one of my favorites, but this time, with my worries ahead of me, it really got me. I realized that in all likelyhood, my life will be much like the life lived by Dante in clerks, or maybe, if I'm lucky, Drew in the Drew Carey show. If I'm REALLY lucky, I might turn out like Randal or Oswald and be happy with my lot in life regardless of its small scope, but I'll probably end up depressed and reluctant to bring any change into my sad, familiar little life.
So I figure, here are my options.
-1 in a million: get accepted to a very good school for my undergrad degree, then another awesome grad school, study the shit out of everything, then get a kickass job designing weapons or monster trucks or nuclear submarines or something awesome like that, make a bunch of money and retire early, living out the rest of my life maybe on my grandparent's farm or someplace awesome like that.
-more likely: Go to some dumb state school and study the shit out of everything, try to get back into MIT for grad school. Turns out the same way as the previous one, only I'm not as smart because of the dumb state school. And it's probably less fun.
-worst-case scenario: Move to the middle of nowhere MO and get a job as an apprentice authentic hand-made winsor chair maker. Learn the craft from a master (This guy I met who looks like santa, used to be an LA cop, then got shot, then became a trucker, got in a crash, then almost got his legs amputated, then told the doctors he was gonna keep his legs, then went to a school to learn how to make winsor chairs by hand) and make big bucks. Drawback is I spend at least ten years of my life in the middle of nowhere MO.
-another shorter term last resort: Get a job at some grocery store, save up a bunch of cash, then buy some Mary Jane seeds, and start selling pot. It would be a good life, except of course for the risk involved in dealing illegal substances. I'm smart though, right? I could get away with it.
-And of course, the infamous: Live with my parents for the rest of my life.
Anyway, don't worry about me guys, I'm just freaking out because the rest of my life is in my hands right now over the course of the next ten days. It's a big deal, and I don't work well under stress. In fact, I usually just stress out so much that I end up saying "Fuck it, it's hopeless. I'm going to go get a movie."
And that's what I usually do.
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| Saturday, September 27th, 2008
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1:10 am
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So I was watching Craig Ferguson, and a commercial came on for the hit show 2 and a half men. Being the nerd that I am, this is what went through my head. (Not for the first time either.)
"I wonder if the 2.5 men is 1+1+0.5 men or 3x0.83333333... men?"
Then I switched over to the WB hoping to catch south park, but to my dismay, I foind myself watchin family guy, of which I am not a huge fan. But whatever. I'm not above anything.
So then I saw a commercial for chocolate AXE body spray. I wonder who would possibly consider buying, let alone using that stuff. It was pretty funny.
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| Friday, September 5th, 2008
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12:00 pm
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Interviewing for MIT today. Gonna meet some lady in the CWE. Hopefully, I will win her good graces with my natural charm and charisma.
Also, the LHC (that's large hadron collider for those of you who don't speak abbrives) fires off for the first time on the tenth. That's only five days away! I'm excited. I am filled with nerdy joy. I've been reading Stephen Hawking (that's wheelchair guy for those of you who don't pay attention to mainstream science) and I'm all aflutter. My mind is full of particles and large celestial bodies.
I dug out my old Disney movies last night. And also Space Jam starring Michael Jordan, and Bugs Bunny, with Bill Murray and Wayne Knight (That's Newman for anyone who's seen Seinfeld.) It brought back the memories. Next I will watch Aladdin. Then maybe James and the Giant Peach. All quality children's movies of yesteryear.
Politics these days are dumb. And the Iraq war is the dumbest thing Ever. Not for the reason you think either. It used to be the case that when we went to war, our goal was to either utterly defeat the country we went to war with. The goal was to invade, take their shit, and leave the place a smoldering crater. It also used to be the case that there was a good reason to go to war. It seems that these days, we go to war with a country to "help" it. When we invade, we let the people know that we are there for their best interests. We are destroying things in order to make their country a better place. And the reason that we invade these days is just "Terrorists" which is not a legitimate reason. Terrorists are everywhere. Going to war with a country will not help us "defeat terrorism". If the administration had just gone and said "We need more oil, and they're not giving it to us, so we're just gonna fuckin' take it" I would have been so much more in favor of the war. There would have been a goal. There would be no sugar coating. If there's one thing I hate, it's sugar coating.
I also hate it when little children talk shit about George Bush, because you know that they're just spouting whatever they heard their parents say. I don't even like to hear anyone talking about him. I'm having a hard time typing this right now. The only way I like to hear about him is like this. "George Bush is awesome. Sure he's a terrible leader, but he's an all around great guy. He bikes all the time, has an awesome dog named Barney, and that guy loves marijuana. Just like in Harold and Kumar."
I'm done guys. Bye.
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| Thursday, August 28th, 2008
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11:44 pm - I confuse myself
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I am a strange person. I realize this every day.
As of now, my outward appearance is that of a hick. I have extremely short hair, wear nothing but jeans, I've had a lot of sun, and I go around chewing gum. Sometimes, I even wear a wife-beater to the grocery store. All I need is a construction job and a Ford.
About a year ago I was pale, long-haired hippie lookin' kid who played a lot of music.
But throughout the changes I have gone through, there are weird things that have never seem to fit into what someone would think my personality should be like, but have stayed with me throughout the ages.
For instance: My favorite TV show of all time ever, (this opinion can not be altered by anything short of the second coming) is MTV cribz. I love this show to death.
Another thing is that I have a think streak of neat-nick. Inside, I want to clean everything compulsively, but I'm usually just a little too lazy. But it makes it hard for me to focus if there are things that aren't neat and clean. Naturally, this usually just means it's hard for me to focus. But sometimes I spend a whole day just cleaning the house. I'm nothing compared to my friends Zeke and Chris, who do not have the attribute of being a little too lazy. They also have the bonus of having no shame. One time when we were at hometown buffet, Zeke began cleaning and straightening the condiments on the tables around us after having cleaned our own table to the point of perfection. I helped of course.
I'm stressing out about SATs. It's the only thing left that I really have to do to make sure I can get into college. And a good score on that thing will be helpful. A bad score could really screw me over though. So I need to do nothing but study math. However, I have other things that need to be done. Like finishing my application, going to interviews, cooking, cleaning, and oh yeah, Karate. I started that on Wednesday. Sadly, it's just once a week. Happily, all my homies are there too so it's lots of fun. Sadly again, I have poison ivy on my arms and it gets in the way. I don't want to spread it, but parts of me need to touch to block right. In the meantime, I will be careful and do the blocks at half-strength and hope it goes away quickly.
Anyway, I am finding it difficult to concentrate lately. Even though absolutely nothing is going on in the house, my mind is going a million miles a minute and I can't sit down and do things. I always end up cleaning, then walking around the house until I'm hungry, then eating, hen cleaning up after myself.
Mostly I think that I am excited about the possibility of going to MIT. I want to go so badly I am having a hard time expressing just how badly I want to go there. This makes me very nervous because it's notoriously hard to get into. From what I've read, I'm exactly the kind of person they want, so all I have to do is figure out how to show those qualities in myself. I suppose that by their system, they'll know if I'm right. I have a good feeling about it, but I'm still nervous as hell. And I don't usually get nervous about things. I'm usually the calm collected one in just about any group, But this is a big thing. The difference between being accepted and not being accepted will perminentley change the course of my life. So if what I'm doing right now has any effect on the decision, (it does) then what I'm doing right now could decide my fate forever. It's not like If I don't get in I won't be happy ever again, it's just that everything will be different.
We'll see how it goes.
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| Monday, August 18th, 2008
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12:50 pm
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My ancient and terrible computer is doing things that I don't understand. I usually understand the terrible things that it does, but lately, they've been getting worse, and a lot weirder. The big thing is that it often registers a single click of the mouse as a double click. I guess that's probably the mouse malfunctioning and not the computer, but in my eyes, the whole pile is just one big terrible unit. Also, it has begun to not play any kind of video that isn't quick time WMV or YouTube. Other file types sometimes play, but if they do they skip and the sound is choppy. Also, while using the internet, it will randomly re-load the page even though I'm not doing anything. Sometimes it loads the page then acts like it's re-loading when it actually isn't. It says it's looking up the server and making connections but the page is just sitting there working fine.
These are all very minor problems, but they are the kind that really start to piss a guy off.
I've been really angry lately. It seems like I blow up at the slightest thing. Like how my phone stopped ringing. One time I put it on silent because I was listening to some lecture or something, and now I can't get it to go back to being loud. I set it on a profile to make it silent, so I figured if I put it back on normal it would ring again. Nope! I've gone through every menu, set every setting the the loudest it could be, told the phone to ring at the drop of a hat, and it just won't do it. The only thing I haven't tried is returning it to the factory settings. First I would need to write down my contacts.
So yeah, yesterday I got really worked up about that. That really pissed me off. Then I calmed down and cleaned the kitchen up a little, read some books, and ate dinner. Then my brother started acting like the dick-bag he is for no real reason. He just decided that he needed to do whatever he was doing right in front of me and that it was clearly my fault that I was behind him and that I was just out to make his life miserable. I was just standing there. What the hell.
I didn't blow up over that. I just made smart-ass comments when he yelled at me for being behind him. After he moved in front of me.
And then there's my asshole neighbors. To the east, the guy likes to mow his 3 properties of lawn at seven AM, then use his weed whacker to clean up the edges, then use his leaf blower to.. blow shit I guess. I don't know why the fuck he uses a leaf blower, but he does. Right outside my window. At 7 AM. It's most irritating when I stayed up 'till 4 the night before working to clean up after a midnight bike ride that I rode on a 50+ pound bike. But the thing he does that pisses me off the most isn't the hours of motorized lawn equipment, it's when he tries to get his dogs back in the house. His genius method is to stand on the porch and yell their names with every fiber of his fat, fat body. SAAAAAAAM! BECKEEEEEEY! His piercing voice could curdle milk. I despise him so. He's like, a carpet salesman or something. What's the deal with that? Man, screw carpet. Hardwood is where it's at. Rugs kick ass, but I hate carpet. It's too hard to clean. You have to fuckin' shampoo it to get everything out of it. And even then you know it's only clean on the surface. Between the carpet and the hardwood is a layer of unthinkable horrors. With hardwood, all you have to do is break out the mop and you're already halfway done. Rugs can be shaken out with little trouble, and if they get dirty beyond your ability to clean them, just throw them away! So that's why, in my eyes, My neighbor is a waste of god junk food. And plus, he drives a mini cooper. I mean, come on. And then there's my other neighbors who abuse their children and don't look at anyone. I don't think they have even once acknowledged our existence.
In non-rage related news, I have become even more of a geek. All I really do now is read and internet. Yeah that's right, internet is now a verb too. It's like a super word. It can do anything! So anyway, I've been reading a lot of physics books. I realized that I have a bunch of books I haven't read so I decided I needed to start reading and not stop until I've finished every one. Then there's the .rar eBooks I got off of the internet. that's also a lot I have to read.
I was hanging out with Vito the other night after we finished the ride, and got to talking about girls, or more specifically girlfriends, or lack thereof. I told him about my situation, the fact that Belleville has the worst youth social scene I've sever seen. All the kids do is smoke. And not Pot either, just Cigarettes. They all hang out in front of some lame club and smoke cigarettes. It's dumb. It's so dumb I can't even believe it. Whenever I take classes at SWIC I seem to get into the ones with a lot of old people, dudes my age, and occasionally, girls my age with serious boyfriends or who are married. I guess around here it's pretty normal for everyone to marry their highschool partner when they turn 18. Or maybe it's just that those are the types who go to community college. So after I had described in detail why Belleville wasn't working he said "What about the homeschool group?"and man, I just know those girls too well. There are maybe two or three girls I'd consider having a relationship with, and it would have to be whatever the opposite of a serious relationship is. I got a serious long-term relationship out of choir, but that's over and I got sick of choir. So in summery, my life has become on big sausage fest. I'm okay with that for now. I can last another year before I go to a real college in a real city.
Anyway, I theorized that this could be the source of my rage. Even my thirteen year old brother seems to have more prospects than I do right now.
But aside from constant rage, I'm actually pretty happy. I clean a lot, so everything around me is kinda nice. Books are pretty entertaining, and it's still summer so I get to hang out with the guys a lot. Not a bad deal. Could be better but I have to try not to think about that.
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| Friday, August 15th, 2008
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11:11 pm - Ramble
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Moonlight ramble tomorrie. Gonna be sweet. Dad got some giant ape-hangers to go on the red shwinn we have. I tried to get them on but I couldn't get the stem off of the frame. I think it might be rusted to the fork. Time will tell whether everything will work out or not.
So a friend of mine is coming to visit from the east coast. In her absence, she has become a complete indie music snob. I was talking to her on the phone, and she was asking me what I listened to lately, and I was like "I dunno, a lot of shit." and I read off some artists from whatever random playlist I had been listening to, and it was like "REM, Elvis Costello, Elvis Presley, The Knack, CCR, ZZ Top, Journey..." and she goes "JOURNEY? Oh Kevin, please tell me you didn't just say you listen to journey" and I'm laughing and I go "But it's Ironic! Irony is like the thing now, right?"
GOD I love Journey. My favorite thing about it is that it pisses off indies. I had to fight against my very nature NOT to become an indie music snob. I could have. I EASILY could have. I decided instead to listen mostly to things that were incredibly popular ten+ years ago, but tried to avoid too much from the 60s, and tried not to define myself with hippy music. I have come to a place where I am happy with my music selection. It's mostly just the anti-thesis of whatever music indie music and Lou music. Lou music is what I call stuff like Sublime and Queens of the stone age, so named because it's the favorite music of this kid I know named Lou. He's a great guy and I like him a lot, but I find his taste in music partially questionable. Mostly his interest in what is usually referred to as "Pop-alt-rock" Or, anything they play on the St. Louis radio station Z107.7 the point. I also make a point to listen to lots of Rap (good rap, like Coolio, Chingy and guys who aren't famous), Electronic music, movie/video game soundtracks and television theme songs like any self-respecting nerd should. But the most important thing about my music standing that I have strived to achieve is this. I try my very hardest NOT to define myself by the music I listen to!
But I still worry. I worry that I still have some shred of indie cred left over. In fact, I worry that because of the way I act, I have more indie cred than anyone else IN THE WORLD. I'm so much of a snob that I forwent trying to listen to music that no one else listens to, and brought it to the level of "Music that everyone used to listen to but no one takes seriously anymore". I wear skinny jeans and shop at salvation army, but I make a concious effort not to wear ANY pins. I play instruments, but I try to play ones that no one else plays like Viol de Gamba. I bet 4 out of 5 people don't even know what that is. Despite my endless attempts to de-indie-ify myself, I still feel like a total prick. I guess the only option is to conform. I need to go to school, wear polos and $80 shoes, play only Halo, drink only Bud Light, Go nowhere but parties and occasionally to six flags.
Whatever man. No one respects my incredible amount of indie cred anyway so I just tell myself I don't care and go on with my life. Of course, I'm too paranoid for that to last very long.
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| Sunday, August 10th, 2008
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12:55 am - recent event
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So I just went bowling with the guys. And the girls too actually. The circus is hosting a bunch of performers from Israel, so I got to meet them. They're pretty nice. Not all of them speak Englsh. I really envied them. Whenever someone visits from out of town I always envy them. I wish I could be the one who always gets to go places, meet people, get showed around, be the center of attention. Someday I will. I just wish it could have been when I was a young boy.
But meeting people from around the world is fun too!
I watched the Olympic commencment ceremony in Beijing yesterday. It was awesome. It just made me feel good. All the war and crap and how terrible everyone is to each other, but somehow, every four years everyone just comes together to play games. Sure it's probably the most competetive event in the world, but they're still playing games! Good sportsmanship and comradity are the hallmarks of the olympics. It really made me feel happy for the world. It also made me hate hippies. Sure I understand that China is doing terrible things to Tibet. It's bad. I get it. But protesting the olympics is just about the dickiest thing you could do. And it only makes you look like MORE of a dick when you're protesting the running of the torch and there's a girl in a WHEELCHAIR defending it from you. I mean come on. Everything the olympics stands for is good, no matter where it's being held. And anyway, no matter how bad the Chinese government might be, that doesn't make the country of china or the people of china even the slightest bit "bad". Coming from a country that is hated the world over helps me to understand this a little. I don't want people to judge ME based on what my government has done. I mean, I haven't even voted yet. And even when I do I doubt my opinion will be able to hold much sway against the hordes of the ignorant. But just because a lot of America is ignorant doesn't mean I am. And whether or not the people are ignorant, I still love my country. I think it's a really great place. And I know for a fact that in China they feel even more dedication to their people and their land. All these people talking about how china is terrible because they pollute and fuck up Tibet really piss me off. Especially when they're American. We don't have the right to be telling other people what they should or shouldn't be doing, or talking bad about them or any of that until we fix our own huge glaring problems. So china is being mean to tibet? We decimated two countries in the past seven years AND ONE OF OUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES WANTS TO DO IT AGAIN. So china pollutes more than any other country? That's because they're the biggest. We wouldn't be anywhere near them if every one of us didn't drive their own personal eight seater SUV all by their lonesome multiple times a day.
As soon as we can fix our own problems, we can try to start helping other countries with theirs. And by helping I don't mean "Go in and shoot stuff" I mean develop new cleaner technology at low prices and ease tensions between nations with hairbrained sitcom-style schemes. Here's my idea. Invite Hu Jintao and the Dalai Lama to some fancy banquet, and don't tell either the other one is coming! Then when they're both in the room together, everyone leaves and you lock the door! Then they have to work out their problems like mature adults.
I guess sometimes people are just motivated by greed for power, but I like to think that everyone is human and that when you get to know people in person, it's easier to know where they're coming from.
I personally wouldn't even think about applying for a leadership position that involved foreign affairs until I knew at least six languages and had stayed extensively in at least five countries on each continent (Minus Antarctica). I'd like to do that whether I get in to politics or not (I don't plan to) but it will probably be later in my life. Maybe after I'm done with school I'll think of a really good reason to travel aside from just wanting to. Plus there's always study overseas. I'll definetly do that.
Ugh. I have two options. 1, sleep. 2, play merc mode on resident evil 4, THEN sleep. The alure of video games is strong. I don't quite know what I'll do yet, and maybe that's for the best.
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| Wednesday, July 30th, 2008
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2:11 am
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I'd just like to send a shout out to all my internet homies out there.
I want to let you know that as time progresses, I am becoming increasingly beautiful.
Once I break out of the rigid cocoon that is the midwest, I will surely be among the most beautiful people alive.
I have a plan for the rest of my life. Well actually, it's more of a loose guideline. Or maybe a doodle. On a napkin. First of all, I'm going through school. All the way to the end, until they won't let me stay any longer. If I have to pick between going to school and working, I will go to school for as long as I can. The longer I'm there, the better job I can get. At least that's what I figure.
NUMBER 2. I will not get married or (intentionally) have children until I am at least 30 years old. This serves to allow for at least ten years of living responsibility free (aside from school) which I believe is something that everyone needs and few people get. Hell, I might NEVER get married. I'll probably have kids at some point. I need to pass on the genes. It would be a crime to deprive the world of my offspring. Maybe I'll just donate a shitload of sperm. Haven't quite figured that out yet.
This comes in contrast to my brother who will probably get married when he's 22 and have three children by the time he's 28. The kid has the attention span of a five year old that just drank a two-liter of mountain dew.
My thought process is strange. I guess it's hard to compare one's thought process to someone else's without reading minds, but I'm pretty sure I'm wired differently than most people.
I went to raging rivers today, and boy was my faith in humanity scarred. Out of all the females there, I would have considered touching maybe four or five of them. Not counting girls under 14. They're either fat, ugly, badly proportioned, irritating or... REALLY fat. I wonder how it is that the men of this country are so sex starved that they will stoop to the level to which they have stooped. There was this corpulent family sitting on the bench next to me, and the mother was telling her pudgy little children "We're going to go pull up the car so you don't have to walk" and the kids were all "We want to go with you!" And she was all "No it's too much work!" and they were like "We'll just walk, it's okay" and she was like "I don't know, is it really okay for us all to walk?" and the dad goes "Nope, too much work."
I just wanted to slap them in the face and explain to them that maybe if they didn't act like walking was the brainchild of Satan himself, that their kids might not be so goddamn fat and maybe they themselves wouldn't need their hips replaced with metal in ten years. But as social norms dictate, I remained silent. Still, it made me think about how many people in America spend their lives. They get up, drive to work where they sit for eight hours, drive back, and sit in the living room watching TV until they go to sleep. Living this way, I would guess a person can average less than one hundred steps per day.
I have to derail my rage-train now and sleep. I guess I'm supposed to get up tomorrow and make some clay thing. It's usually pretty fun, so I don't want to be too dead.
Keep it real.
current music: Wonder - Natalie Merchant
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| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008
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12:25 am - words
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The two most pretentious words that I can think of. Together, these words will make anyone seem like they know something you don't. most people use them in reference to something obscure and act like they're part of some exclusive club. Privy to secret knowledge that only the blessed are trusted with.
Those words are "Inspired by".
What have you done? Oh you've written a five page poem "inspired by" the works of Oscar Wilde. How very artsy! How fresh! Oh look! It's an album of music "inspired by" the life of Freida Kahlo! Exquisite! What's this? INTERPRETIVE DANCE INSPIRED BY SOME SHITTY JANE AUSTIN NOVEL? YOU JUST WON THE PRIZE!
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| Monday, June 30th, 2008
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11:01 am
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And so I return from the frigid north. I can't remember if I said anything about it or not, but I just went up to Wisconsin for my grandpa's funeral. It was sad, but good to see the side of the family that I don't see very often.
We stayed with my cousins at this resort/condo type place. It really kicked ass. indoor and outdoor swimming pools, free movies, and it was right on lake Michigan. The view was incredible. Also, they had paddleboats for the patrons. So that was good. What wasn't good was that we had to drive 9 hours to get there, and then when we were five minutes from the place, the car started making very loud noises and leaking coolant or something. Diagnosis concluded that it was probably a cracked engine block, but they were unsure. So we had to rent a car to get back home.
Oh also, It turns out that when I was bailing alfalfa for the Manteese family, I got pretty terrible poison ivy. My left hand was in agony. So that sucked. On top of that, my cousins got delayed in Detroit because Georgie was going through, then after that they lost their luggage.
So it was a trip frought with peril, but it ended okay.
Going to places I don't go very often makes me want to get the hell out of this two-bit town and see America. And probably live somewhere else. St. Louis is a good place and I like it, but I'd honestly rather live somewhere bigger.
So I have a lot of work to do. All of these things in the back of my mind that I need to get done, but right now I'm just relaxing. Of course, having only one car is going to complicate things greatly.
Peace
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| Monday, June 23rd, 2008
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12:52 am - leaving
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So, I'm heading north on wednesday. Funeral time. In Wisconsin. Fun.
Plus side is I get to see the family and stay with my cousins in a (hopefully fancy) hotel. Downside is obvious.
I finally got paid for the work I did at HoK. I was thinking about spending it on comic books, then action figures, then videogames. I am reluctant to purchase a new console. I'm having a hard time wanting any of them, but at the same time feeling an unearthly pull towards them. PS3s are too fuckin expensive, but they have soul calibur 4. Wiis are gay but they have Brawl. xBox360s are also expensive, but have team fortress 2. But I'll probably just cave and get the gayest system. I guess after all the mario and pokemon nintendo probably brainwashed me or something.
Oh yeah. for like four days I have been itchy as hell. Little red dots that started on my left foot and left knuckles and spread to other strange parts of my body. At first I thought it was chiggers, then there were more, so I thought it was fleas, then they got bigger and the dog wasn't affected. It's not spreading like a poison plant rash, and they look like bites, but some of them are big and some aren't, then there are places where they're all patchy.
Whatever it is, I'm miserable.
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| Sunday, June 8th, 2008
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11:27 am - cool stuff
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Sometimes you just have to spend your last 20 bucks on a comic series one hellboy action figure.
Why? Because every now and then, the universe compels you to. Perhaps if you worked more it wouldn't be your last 20 bucks you lazy bum.
The real reason? Because Hellboy kicks at least 14 different kinds of Ass.
So I've been making some stuff and taking some other stuff apart. I love stuff, and I'm only realizing it now. I picked up this old working fax machine out of the trash that I intended to sell on eBay but that now I think I'm going to scrap for parts and make shit out of. I need a soldering iron.
Summer rules. I like it a lot. Mostly because I have fewer allergy problems. Also because everyone ELSE is out of school and I study through it so I feel like I'm getting one up on everyone else. People finally have time to do things. It's a very lazy season. A lot of the time, just lying around can be a viable activity.
I know I've said it before, and it's truly a very corny thing to say, but I feel like I'm on the brink. Everything I've grown used to throughout my childhood is changing. My friends are different. They're the same people, but we've all grown up. It's a weird feeling that I'm not sure most people experience. Most of the time, Kids go through grade school with one group of friends, then they go to highschool and form a new group of friends. If they're lucky, they stay friends with a few of their grade school friends, but don't see them as often. Not me. I've watched my friends grow for the greater part of their lives. What was once a loud, gender segrigated group of rugrats is now a loud inclusive self sufficant circle of mature (most of the time) adults. Well, not really adults I guess. Maybe, MAYBE young adults. Point is, we're all growed up. But that's not all either. There are tons of youger siblings whom I've known for just as long, and seeing them enter teenhood is equily weird, and five times as entertaining.
So that's that I guess. I'm waiting for my hellboy action figure to get here. Ordered it on Amazon yesterday. It should be here by tomorrow or Tuesday. I honestly can't wait. I haven't gotten a package in ages. I'm so excited. I am filled with childish glee.
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| Friday, May 23rd, 2008
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3:30 pm
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Sometimes I feel like I give off an emo vibe. At least on the internets. It's a terrifying thought, because I am fully aware that at least 40% of emos in the world are blissfully unaware of their emo-hood. It's a group I will never be happy about. I will never be able to throw my arms wide and "embrace my emo side". To do so would go against every principle I have ever had.
I fear for myself. Lately, I have been feeling intensely anti-social. In short, I have had absolutely no interest in interacting with other humans at all. I've been spending my time making feeble attempts at learning sciency things until my brain fries. Right now, my brain is fried and I'm wandering aimlessly around the internet.
I've also been worrying about my financial situation. I want a job, but I can't think of one that I'd be happy doing. I really don't want to work in any kind of customer service, but it's looking like I'm just going to have to suck it up. I can do that though. I'm prepared to suck it up. I keep going back to thinking that I should just apply at the Aquarium, but then I start looking at resume templates and they make me want to hurl. There's this one where under "Objective" it says things like "Using action words to emphasize quality, fluctuate your strengths to maximise potential" and other stupid jargon like that. Plus my lack of experience stands in the way of my ability to write a decent resume. If I could get past that stage, I'd work there for sure. I just hate resumes so much. Maybe I should use the money I get from HoK to hire a service or something.
I've been weary about updating lately to preserve my solitude, but I had to confide my worries to someone. And even if no one reads all this crap I type, it still makes me feel better I guess.
Maybe I should go to burger king.
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| Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
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12:12 pm
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So I've been SERIOUSLY looking at colleges. And by seriously, I mean that I have finally started looking at colleges now that I think I have an idea of what I want to do with my life. I want to major in mechanical engineering. In my eyes, it perfectly blends science with art. The creativity it requires plus the knowledge of science that you need seems to fit my interests very well.
So, this means two things. #1, I need to really buckle down and learn all that math I didn't learn. So in almost every spare second, that's what I've been doing. Now that I've got something I'm working for, I've found out that I really do like math and am very unhappy that I didn't learn it when I was younger. It's easy for me to understand and I can see how it applies to life most of the time. #2, I'm probably not going to want to go to a liberal arts college, which is what I've looked at so far. Prior to recently, I've always been into acting or music or visual art. That stuff is all well and good, but I don't want to bust my balls trying to make a living out of it. I really think that it would take the fun out of it. Plus, I'm getting tired of all of it. My last acting experience left me feeling like I was totally done with it altogether. I realize now that the one thing I've always enjoyed and always been able to do very well was make things. I played with legos a lot. When I decided to make something, I'd think about it until it was done. Even if I had to stop for some reason, I would be thinking about the best way to solve a problem until I had it in my head. And it always payed off. I've made some really kick-ass models in my time. But the world of legos is simple. The rules are few and the pieces fit together in obvious ways. In the real world, there are many more rules, and many, many more pieces.
So I was reading about some colleges that I thought would teach me the skills I needed to implement my genius. I really, really really want to go to MIT. But I know I can't set my heart on it. I need to find some other places that would be just as awesome, which might be difficult. MIT is so competitive, and with my terrible math record, I worry about my chances. My plan is to cram math for the next few weeks and hopefully test into a higher level at SWIC, then take physics next fall and chem next spring. But I'm actually confident that if I can cover my bases I'll have a reasonable chance of making it in. I have a way of making myself look interesting and new on paper. Plus I figure if I go through all the motions like interviews and campus visits it'll help my chances. If I could get in I would be so stoked. On the website it says that for the first year they grade on a pass/no record system, meaning that as long as you pass, you get a grade of "pass" and if you fail, they don't keep a record of you taking the class. It's supposed to get you used to the workload. Personally, wherever I go, I want it to be demanding. I feel like I really need a tough school to get me in shape. I have a lot of character flaws that need to be fixed, and I think that hard, demanding work could really do it for me. To put it shortly, I lack discipline. I have the seeds inside me, but I just have a hard time getting started on things.
So! That's that! I am going to go learn about the intricacies of exponents!
current music: Gimme the car - Violent Femmes
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| Monday, May 12th, 2008
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10:53 pm - acting!
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I'm acting again! I'm in a play this week! Horray! It's so simply lighthearted and easygoing, I'm nothing but excited. Not nervous in the least. Maybe it's going to sink in later, but right now I'm feeling good about the play, and obsessing about college. Ugh. I don't even know what I'm doing.
I keep going back and forth between art and something else. Right now, I think it would be really cool to do shit like Mechanical bio-mimicry. Like, study nature and apply the principles of design to building machinery and stuff like that. I've recently become obsessed with engineering. Perhaps it's because of seeing iron man. But one way or another, I really like the idea of the integration of artistic design and practical uses. I've always loved making stuff. But I don't feel like I prepared myself for that feild in my childhood any further than playing with legos a lot. But if I were to go into a field I went with as a child, I'd either have to go into art, music or biology, and I'm not sure I want to. I don't want to study music in college. Too hard to get a job and I don't enjoy playing enough to play every day of my life. To me, music is a skill everyone should be familiar with. I am happy with my knowledge of it now. Of course the other problem with engineering is all the math I haven't taken. My hope is to cram some math and take the math placement test at SWIC before summer classes, score into a higher level, and try to make up for some lost time. Maybe I can do physics or trig in the fall. I'm going to try to take a full course next year I think, and without math I don't know what else I'll do. I'll probably take ceramics because my friend's mom is teaching it and her kids and I might take it together which would be fun. Then I could do some math, a foreign language, a science and something else. We'll see.
So that's my recent intrusive panic.
Girls are tough. I like girls, but there are too many issues for me to get involved with anyone. Firstly, all the girls I like are old friends, and past experience tells me that relationships with friends can end badly. I don't want to lose any of my friends. Then there's the protective parents of youth, and my inconvenient location. Plus, you'd think after knowing these girls for as long as I have, I'd be able to read them better. They continue to confuse and baffle me.
I talk a lot of the time like I know all this stuff. Truth is, I usually feel like I know nothing at all. I don't have much experience with life. There are many people in the world who know a lot more about a lot more than I do. Sure there are tons of people who never seem to learn anything, and at least I have a leg up on them, but the truth is, I'm still just a kid. I'm not really excellent at anything besides thinking. This journal is where I think out loud, so it's probably one of the best things I've ever done.
Sometimes I just don't put 2 and 2 together. Inside, I'm a confused person. On the outside, I try to exude confidence. It doesn't always work. Or maybe it does and I'm not aware of it.
I frequently find myself caring too much about other people's opinions. Mostly in the form of thought like "What will THAT person think about me? I should try to act in a way that will change their opinion" which is a bullshit way to act. I support acting like yourself and thinking "to hell with what they think" but it's tough. Humans are a communal race and we want to please others. It's important to us to be liked, and our first thought is that if we act the way others want, that they'll like us. To an extent that is true. But sometimes you have to just put it out there and be confident that people will like you for who you are. Changing your persona for each person you know just to make them like you is too much work and it's deceptive. Plus, it's important for you to like people to. And you'll find, the people you like the most are usually the people whom you feel you can relax and be yourself around. And those are usually the people who just act like themselves and don't try to be anything they're not. And it shows! You can tell when someone is relaxed and when someone is trying too hard. At least I can. All my favorite people are like that. They let you know what they think.
I will leave you with one last musing. Sometimes I feel like I'm a really bad obsessive compulsive. As in I'm bad at being obsessive compulsive. Like, I worry about things constantly, and I can't stand it when shit isn't clean and straight, and if something's not the way I think it should be it runs through my head until I fix it, but I'm too lazy to follow through so I just obsess over it. I know I'm not actually OC, but really, everything exists on a scale. I'd bet I'm higher on the OCD scale than the average person.
And I guess that's all.
Hey, it would be really cool if everyone who reads my journal would check in. I have this feeling that more people read this than I'm aware of. My first guess is that there are four or five people who ever read it, but deep inside, I think it might be more. But I'm not sure. So gimme a heads up. Or don't. Whatever.
current music: Swim - Madonna
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| Monday, May 5th, 2008
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7:28 pm - Minor developments and a review
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So I got a temporary part-time-ish job. I'm working for a friend's mom at an architectural firm's library. It's fun. I like it. The thing about working in an architectural firm is that you know the building is going to be a nice place to be. So basicly, what I'm doing is helping reduce the size of the library to make room for more offices. So I get paid by the hour, and, FREE BOOKS!
So I've got that going. Also,
Saw Iron Man. Honestly, I think it's the best super hero movie yet. So far the crown has gone to Spider man 1, and so far, nothing has been able to top it. But I enjoyed this one more than spider man, mostly because I find Tony Stark more likable than Peter Parker. Batman begins was okay, but I had serious problems with it as a nerd and fanboy that couldn't be overcome. Iron man did everything right. The casting was perfect. The writing was perfect. The Acting was impeccable. The special effects made me drool. But the best thing about it for me was that it didn't feel like a "super hero movie". It didn't feel like a "comic book movie". It just felt like a movie. But that's what I've always liked about Iron man in comparison to other super heroes. He's just a really smart guy. He's not being powered by the yellow sun of the earth, he's wasn't bitten by a radioactive arachnid or any of that. He's just really good at building stuff.
Anyway, a movie anyone can enjoy. Also, stay through the credits.
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| Saturday, April 26th, 2008
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1:27 am
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My life is down right now. Life has its ups and downs, and right now mine is down. No matter what I've done recently, it just turned out wrong. I've injured myself way too many times recently to be safe. I slashed my leg open on barbed wire, almost dislocated my jaw and bit my lip very badly at the same time, and stubbed my big toe so bad part of the nail came off. Not to mention the allergies. And every moment I thought I was going to have to myself has gone somewhere else.
I also just realized that I JUST missed south park. I can watch every episode online, but I like watching it on TV now and then. But I just looked at the clock and realized that it ended like one minute ago.
Times like this come and go. Soon I'll just be so happy to be alive and everything will be going right. I'll be having a blast. But right now I want to lay around. Pretty pathetic.
It's times like this that I want to grab a buddy and sit in some bar until two in the morning. Some alcohol would do me a world of good. But of course that won't happen for a while yet.
You know how when you record yourself and then watch the recording how it seems like you're looking at a different person? I wonder why that is? We all think we know ourselves so well, then when you see what you act like in real life, it's like "Whoa, is that ME?"
Think about it.
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| Monday, April 21st, 2008
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12:49 am - Almost life changes
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So I almost made some changes in my life. I almost started going to bed early and exercizing and not playing so many videogames and focusing on schoolwork. I was doing pretty well too, but then tonight happened. It's ten till one and I'm still up. I hav been going to bed at ten and getting up at nine every morning. Now I'll be in bed for 10 plus hours I'm sure.
I'll have alone time to catch up on things tomorrow though. I'm going to start running to build up my cardiovascular endurance. I run, jump, and climb pretty well, but not for long. It comes in bursts. It needs to change.
My hair is awesome. I look like I'm from the 50s or something. I have Burt's Bees shampoo to thank for it.
Well, MK did a survey. That means I need to. So here it goes.
( tssk )
Peace out.
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| Friday, April 18th, 2008
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10:28 pm - Oh noez I'm BLAWGING
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So I was cruising around on facebook, and I saw that a few of my friends had joined a group called "STOP THIS "ARTIST" FROM KILLING ANOTHER DOG!"
Intrigued, I clicked on the link to the group to see what it was about. The death of animals holds a certain facination for me, as well as does art and contraversy, and any combination of the three is a surefire way to get my attention.
So it turns out that some Costa Rican guy named Guillermo Habacuc Vargas caught an old, sick street dog in the ghettos of his city and tied it up in a gallery, where it supposedly starved to death. Of course, that sentance alone was enough for animal rights groups to jump on the case, and try to make sure that such an evil man would never be able to starve another dog again!!
Finding a solid, balanced article regarding this topic was a bit tricky, but I poked around and I think I have both sides of the story.
Guillermo made a statement in which he said that the piece was intended to represent the fact that there are millions of dogs just like the one in the piece that die every year in the city, and no one seems to care or even tries to do anything about it. He also refused to say whether the dog actually died or not. There have been claims that the dog was well fed and only tied up for three hours during the period of the gallery opening, and was later released. But he won't say whether it lived or died.
Of course, dog lovers the world over are up in arms saying that it "Isn't art" and that "It's torture" and my favorite, that Guillermo should be "Tied up in a glass box with heat lights on it and a waterfall running just feet away from him and be allowed to die of heat stroke"
I like to consider myself to be an artist. I like to think that I have a fairly solid idea of what "Art" is. My solid definition that I go by is that it's an expression of an emotion, usually involving some kind of craft or skill. If you're feeling bored and you're doodling, it reflects your mood. That's art. Sure it's not fine art, but it's art. And usually, art is intended to be presented to an audiance. Usually, there is an attempt to provoke a certain reaction. Art isn't just about doing something skillfully and then showing it off to people and saying "Look at how skillful I am!!" Sure maybe for some people it is, but the best art is the kind where the artist knows that there is a feeling he needs to share with the public, and since no one really listens to what he says with words, he says what needs to be said through other means.
To me, he's saying "Many, many dogs die of starvation every day, and no one cares. But when I put ONE starving dog in front of you, suddenly, you care about it."
He knew it was going to cause an uproar. He knew he was going to get death threats. Otherwise he would have just said "The dog didn't die. We let it go after the show was over". No, he wanted it. He wanted the uproar. He knew that if people thought he killed a dog for art, there would be a massive uproar. And he knew that if there was an uproar, more people would hear about it than if he had gone out with his camera and taken pictures of sad, hungry looking dogs on the streets of Costa Rica. And he knew that the more people heard about it, people would begin to realize what was happening. The issue would come to light. What he didn't bet on was the fact that no one would even look into the issue once they had heard the sentence "An artist killed a dog and called it art".
But he got to me. The sad thing is, if you aren't sighning the petition to string the guy up when you read "AN ARTIST KILLED A DOG" You probably won't be very inspired to help the plight of all the starving dogs in costa rica either. His folly was that he went over the heads of the people who would actually do anything about it. Instead of trying to get some artist banned from the US, these people should be working to make spaying and neutering more available and easy in other countries.
The thing I've been seeing most often while reading these blogs and articles and responses, is the phrase "THIS ISN'T ART". I disagree of course. Art doesn't have to be nice. No one has to like it for it to be art. Some people say "I could take a dump on the sidewalk and call it art, but that wouldn't make it art!" But again, I disagree. If you took said dump, you would be making a pretty strong statment about the state of art today. That was your intent, and that's the message it sends. With the right title and introduction, It could actually be considered pretty accurate and inspiring. The thing is, people have a pre-conceived notion that when someone looks at art, they're going to be entertained. That the purpose of the artist is to entertain the public. They don't know that for many artists, the purpose is to make you think. When a bunch of hicks are standing in a washington museam staring at an abstract and trying to understand why some guy got paid thousands of dollars for this piece of crap, the artist has fulfilled his goal. Artists don't want you to be happy, they want you to think about things.
Anyway, if you want to read up on this internet scandal and form your own opinion (which I highly reccomend you do) here are some links. I encourage you to seriously consider both sides of the argument instead of just sending Guillermo another death threat. Don't drop to that level. I included both petitions you could sign if you want to ban him from killing dogs, and blawggers trying to get the the bottom of this thang. So I leave you with a phrase you should imagine everyone saying, all the time.
Don't take MY word for it!
http://www.metafilter.com/70853/Guillermo-Habacuc-Vargas-Bienarte-Maltratador-de-Animales
http://reiskeks-natividad.blogspot.com/2007/10/guillermo-habacuc-vargas-admits-on-his.html
http://guillermohabacucvargas.blogspot.com/
http://harmonicminor.com/2008/04/07/the-guillermo-habacuc-vargas-hoax/
http://arts.guardian.co.uk/art/news/story/0,,2269320,00.html#article_continue
current music: Gone Daddy Gone - The Violent Femmes
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| Monday, April 7th, 2008
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7:24 pm
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I feel like a fuckin' emo. I'm depressed lonely and bored. When I go out and walk around in Belleville, I feel like burning it to the ground because it's so lame. When I go anywhere else, I have a blast! Then on the 40 minute drive home, I think about how I would rather be going anywhere else than where I'm going.
Christ.
current mood:  depressed
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